March 2012
44 posts
If you have burned a single calorie analyzing the...
Amen.
Ted: A Ballad of Suicide (Chapter Siete)
Chapter Siete
Ted was a resourceful human being by nature, and quickly learned the nuances of being a transvestite truck stop hooker. He soon found himself traveling short distances between major cities in the southwest. While making his way across the San Fernandis valley (1) one day, the trucker/temporary lover of the day spotted a wounded bean-bag chair on the side of the road...
Ted: A Ballad of Suicide (Chapter Seis)
Chapter Seis
And [so] Ted was forced to sell his body to the group of American tourists for safe passage within the mother’s uteris, and into San Diego International Airport. The family’s demands started somewhat like this:
· Oil himself up
· Do a provocative striptease to Boy George’s”Karmeleon”
· Climb fully into a Shetland pony’s...
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Cold
Cold.
Cold.
Cold Cold Cold.
Cold and Uncomfortable.
Uncomfortably Cold.
That is what I am. I am also half awake. It’s the Dawn just creeping through the February clouds that wakes me. My neck stiff, my spine mangled, my extremities numb to the elements. Must rewrap the shoes, I feel a draft. Keep the Cold out. ...
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Ted: A Ballad of Suicide (Chapter...
Chapter Cinco- and- a- Half
Yes, Guam. (1)
Notes: (1) Yes, we are trying to frustrate you, dear reader. Do you have contempt for us yet?
Ted: A Ballad of Suicide (Chapter Cinco)
Chapter Cinco
Guam.
Ted: A Ballad of Suicide (Schick Quatro)
Schick Quatro
Bound and gagged in the back of a speedy van, Ted took this time to reflect on his life. (You’ll love this one!) This one time, he attempted to commit suicide via wild [b]oar. With his fabulous income, he traveled to Africa and went on a hunting safari with a contracted poacher impersonator. They captured a wild boar and Ted proceeded to starve it. He then put on...
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Ted: A Ballad of Suicide (Chapter Tres)
Chapter Tres
The Milwaukee city bus traveled in a montage of passing rest stops, terrified faces at Ted’s generally un-sexy appearance, and miles of rock hard sweaty pavement. It finally arrived at the gates of New Jersey which were guarded by a three headed minotaur holding a trident. The bus would travel no further and Ted disembarked.
“What do you...
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Ted: A Balld of Suicide (Chapter Dos)
I know that I said “weekly” but I couldn’t resist. I know, I know, I spoil you.
You’re welcome.
Chapter Dos
Ted lay in his hospital bed, trapped in a private hell that few can conceive of. His overly-friendly roommate had a thirteen second memory span, and re-introduced himself and enumerated his favorite Broadway musicals four times a minute, every...
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A Failed Career
To write for work
Is to resign
Yourself to a life in the bottle
When you get bad reviews
And depression hits
There’s no other way to be coddled
For when you stare
At the blank page
And know that you aren’t prolific
You can at least keep
Good company
By becoming an alcoholic
It seemed to work out
For Hemmingway
When all was said and done
Although at the end
He did scratch an itch
On the...
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Ted: A Balld of Suicide (Chapter Uno)
Once upon a time, in the far away and mystical land of Milwaukee, there lived a very unhappy gardener named Ted. On a characteristically un-breezy, crushing Milwaukee related evening, Ted stood on the third story balcony of a seedy Motel 6 enraptured in contemplation of his next suicide attempt. There had been seventeen attempts to date, and each had failed miserably. For this...
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A Tale of Horror for those who appreciate...
I was going through some of my old pages and stumbled across a Goldmine of Disgust. The first fourteen chapters of a literary experiment gone awry, conducted by my writing partner and I in March of 2005. He shall remain nameless as he is a decent man and I don’t want his good name besmirched and mired in this garbage. It was supposed to be an exercise is surrealism, while not...
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